Chapter 26: Suffering all over again

Sorry. What does this word mean? When do you say it? Why do you need to say it?

When someone apologizes for their mistake? When someone regrets their wrongdoings? When someone repents his actions? When someone is guilty of doing harm? When someone is ashamed of their behavior?

But why Liu Jinhai felt like her sorry held none of the above reasons?

It felt like she did nothing wrong, yet she was obliged to say it.

It felt like she was innocent, yet she was forced to admit a mistake she never did.

It felt like she was standing and suffering there…all over again.

It felt like he made her relive a past she desperately wanted to bury.

Yes. That was what it was.

He saw her shaking. He saw her trembling. Like a gush of memories flooded her mind. Like she knew any attempt to explain herself would just be futile. So, she made the split-second decision. What her conditioned reflex made her do.

To say sorry.

And that made Liu Jinhai, for the first time in his life, very very guilty. He realized he misunderstood her. Her sorry had not held the meaning of getting exposed in her intentions, which there weren’t any.

Her sorry told a very different story.

—

Nana ran and ran. Like she wanted to escape from something. Tears were threatening to fall. But she didn’t cry.

She quickly got into a car and told the driver her address. The man stared at her in confusion but quickly came out of it and started to drive.

The whole way she thought nothing. She just stared out of the window.

The man was in his forties and was a quite perceptive man. He immediately figured something was wrong. He could see from her pale face that she was feeling terrible. He thought maybe he could say something to console her.

What if she tries to hurt herself in despair? Kids these days were too sensitive to bear any insults.

“Child, did you have a fight with your boyfriend?”

Nana was in a daze when she heard the question. She widened her eyes.

Boyfriend?

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend.”, she quickly corrected.

“Really? You are so pretty that I thought you must definitely be dating. And perhaps you had a fight with your boyfriend.”

Liu Jinhai’s face suddenly came in her mind.

“No…he is not my boyfriend.”

“Is that so? Is he your good friend then?”

“No. He is someone I coincidentally met after a long time. We are only acquaintances through a mutual person.”

“Then why are you in so much pain? You both are not close enough for his words to hurt you that much. Then why are you feeling sad?” he asked.

Nana stiffened.

Yes. Up until now she never felt sad when people talked behind her back. Or when someone accused her. She had never let those things get to her. Because she knew she would have to hear them her whole life. So she just smiled and ignored them.

But when Liu Jinhai uttered those same words, she couldn’t help but feel…torn. It was like a thousand needles were piercing her heart. She felt that he would be the last person to say those things.

But he did.

And then something about him in her heart broke apart. She didn’t know what. She didn’t know why out of all the people, only his words affected her that much.

“I don’t know.”, she said.

“Don’t worry child. Sometimes some things and feelings are inexplicable to us. We don’t understand them. It does not have any logical reasons and yet, we think about them. And yet, we feel them. Humans are very mysterious creatures.”, he shook his head helplessly.

She couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“Mm. You look more pretty when you smile. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine”, after a pause he asked, “Will you forgive him if he apologizes?”

She smiled sadly. “I don’t think there is anything for me to forgive. I was the one who apologized. It was my mistake. It is up to him to forgive me or not.”

The man became silent.

“Child, don’t think about it too much. Life is much more than some hurtful words bouncing here and there.”

Nana now genuinely smiled.

“Thank you so much, sir. I really feel much better now.”

“My pleasure.”, he felt proud.

After a while, she arrived at Natsukashi. Before leaving she said, “Once again thank you so much, sir. I felt good talking to you.” Then an idea struck her. “Sir, why don’t you come inside? This is my restaurant. As a thank, you treat I will make something good for you.”

“Oh no, dear. I still got some work.” Just then his phone beeped. He frowned.

“So I have to-” But then his stomach grumbled. He felt embarrassed. He denied her treat but now it can be clearly heard that he was hungry.

She smiled. “Sir, it won’t really take much time.”

He cleared his throat, “S-sure. If you insist.”

Nana was delighted.

In ten minutes, she served him a hot bowl of shoyu ramen.

He was already drooling. It had been a while since he had ramen!

He took one bite and got so engrossed in it that he finished the entire bowl in merely two minutes.

“Now this is what I call a real treat.”

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