Chapter 380: Interlude – Auri – The Great Brrrrptish Bake-off

“Welcome one and all to the Great School Bake-off! This quarter we have an exciting new set of [Amateur Bakers], drawn from the thousands and thousands of [Students] here at the School, to wow and impress the judges. Without further ado, let me introduce our illustrious judges!” Florena the Harpy announced to the meager audience. Amateur baking wasn’t the most exciting of activities, and the vast majority of the fans were here to see if there were any major screw-ups or epic fails. That was much more interesting than watching bread rise.

Silly fans! Baking was the absolute best. Making tasty food? Yes! Watching people be happy? Yes! Pulling off a neat challenge? Yes!

Burning was the best thing in creation. I could burn just a little, and make something besides ashes!

Well, actually… maybe these fans weren’t silly. They were smart enough to come see me! … and everyone else as well, I guess.

I would just have to wow them extra hard!

“Our returning judge is the famous Rabbitstew! Don’t let his green visage and simple name fool you, Rabbitstew is a [Gourmet] and [Chef] like no other! His biting words have left dozens, nay, hundreds of students in tears over the years! Anyone who can satisfy him can cook for nobility, nay, the very king and queen themselves! Everyone give it up foooooooooooooor – Rabbitstew!”

I was a little surprised at how enthusiastic the crowd was for Rabbitstew. He sounded mean. Still! He was the key to THE PLAN! THE PLAN to make everyone happy!

“Softening his harsh words, we have Corknarr! A new judge to this event, her sensitive nose is able to tell exactly what’s going on inside the baked goods before she even bites in! But wait! Corknarr prefers subtle flavors, while Rabbitstew likes them strong and bold! Will our contestants try to make a dish to satisfy both, or will they attempt to flatter one judge’s tastes over the other? Speaking of contestants, here they areeeeeeeeeeee!”

The [Announcer] flung her wing out. That was the cue to enter! Let’s gooooo!

I zipped ahead of the slowpokes, darting straight to my station! Fast bird! Quick bird! A hand to keep my black hat on!

Florena started to announce the contestants. The dread Aleesia was back. Booo! Hiss!

I refocused on the important things in this event. The big bird with bad wings made it clear. First this event, second cooking for [Kings] and [Queens]. Quick and easy.

After, I could order the [Servants] around, get fancy crowns and dresses for Elaine… and Iona, although she might like pants more. I would be rich! Famous! Successful! And I could share it with all my friends! They wouldn’t need to worry anymore!

People kept saying there were no shortcuts to success, but they didn’t think. They didn’t see the obvious shortcuts that popped up like that.

Like, DUH!

I looked over my station. It had a wide surface, with plenty of drawers filled with every cooking implement I could want! I also had a number of goodies I was allowed to bring with me. Mostly fruits and meat! Flour, eggs, salt, butter, and the like were provided to everyone.

For free!

“Right then! For your very first challenge, the judges would like to see your best savory pies. They need to be stuffed, and able to feed four. No itsy bitty pies! You have ninety minutes. Ready? Set? Baaaaaaaaake.” Florena declared.

I sprang into action! A time limit! Just like when Elaine went to class, and I only had two hours to cook something tasty!

I conjured up two dozen [Mage Hands], and flicked my attention around as I ordered them all to perform!

Get the cups! Sharpen the knives! Place the bowls on the table! Scoop the flour! Level it off, now dump it into the pot! Crack the eggs, measure the butter, and grab a whisk!

Two hands to zest a mango! More hands to start cutting the meats! More mangos need to be carefully sliced just right. Too fat, and they won’t cook! Too skinny, and they’ll be dry and BLEH!

The contents of the pie were next. I was blatantly cheating. Sneaky bird! Mangos were the most delicious fruit in the world, so those were going in. Fruit and meats were delicious together, and clever me gathered a fine selection for the stuffing. Beef, chicken, and my secret weapon – rabbit. After all, the judge was Rabbitstew.

Rabbit would be perfect for him. They’d never see it coming!

Pork was right out though. Elaine hated pork! Boo pork! Tasted bad!

Three hands with knives were busy slicing and dicing the fruits and meats into tiny bite-sized pieces. As each slice of meat came off the whole, I quickly doused them in a perfect little flame, searing the outsides and trapping the moisture inside.

Tasty! Delicious!

Pieces to sample!

Two more hands got a little bit of mango zest into the crust, then the crust mixing was complete. I flew over, and had a finger dip into the dough to properly sample.

Doughy! Perfect! Ready to bake!

I conjured up a pan made out of flames at exactly the right baking temperature. Flip over! Dump! Don’t need spatulas to scoop things out! Just use the hands, shove all the dough out, then pat it down! When everything was in place, POOF! Dismiss the hands! Leftover dough falls into the pan!

Brilliant, brilliant baking. Others also had neat tricks! I watch! I steal!

My beak dropped open as I looked at the table next to me. The [Chef] there had carefully stacked all of his ingredients together, and I was just in time to watch them all meld and merge together into a pie!

No fair! I couldn’t do that, or steal that trick! Cheating! CHEATING!

“Cheater!” I brrrpted out. I looked around to see the accusation land, the stunned expressions… nothing.

Instead, they were all cheating in some way. Not fair! This should be skill less! The only allowed skills should be [Baking], [Mage Hands], and [Inferno Conjuration]!

The judges were wandering around, and had clearly seen the show. They headed over to the [Chef’s] table.

“Well, what do we have here? You’re already done?” Corknarr’s nose twitched eagerly as steam started to come off the pie.

The [Chef] nodded.

“Bit ahead of schedule, but I figure this lets me do some clean up and decorating. Hope you all don’t mind.”

“If it tastes good, who cares?” Rabbitstew eyed the pie doubtfully. “Skill-based prep always tastes a little funny though. Doesn’t have that… love… to it.”

The chef paled at that, but the judges were already moving on.

To my station. Of course they would! They could see the absolute marvel I was preparing! It didn’t matter how long they’d spend at the other places, I was going to win!

Then cook for kings! Riches, fame, rare ingredients to cook with, fancy nests, endless flowers to burn, the works.

“What do we have here?” Rabbitstew asked.

“Brrrrpt!” I smugly replied. People couldn’t understand me! I could sass all I liked!

But sassing Rabbitstew was a bad idea. Extra bad if he could understand me. He was the key to the kingdom! I wrote words in flames above me.

Meat and Mango pie! With cheese filling.

Rabbitstew’s eyebrow went up.

“Meat, mango, and cheese? That’s ambitious. The mangos look fresh, how are you planning on handling the moisture?”

I gave the judge a disbelieving look. He… knew how to bake, right? The announcer had talked him up a bunch.

Still! Question! Answer!

By baking it!

How else did one handle moisture?

“Right! Well, I’m very excited to see how this turns out.” Corknerr said, and the two moved on.

I continued to slice and season each bit of the stuffing while the crust baked. I rolled out some more dough for the pie top, and neatly cut it out into a circle.

The moment the crust was done, I began to layer it all together, alternating fruit and meat slices, with liberal amounts of cheese to glue it all together. The top went on, I stamped on it a few times to give it a distinct phoenix-foot look on the edges, then whoosh! Flames for cooking!

Careful, careful flames. Needed to be exactly right! Just as hot as needed!

Nothing to do now but wait! Wait, snack on the leftovers, and scope out more of the competition.

Aleesia, the cookie-menace, was back, trying to steal my glory yet again. I had soundly thrashed her back when we’d set up competing stalls across from each other, and it had nothing to do with the fact that my food had been free, no.

I was just better.

Decorations!

Flowers! Everyone liked flowers! Decorative flowers for the pie!

Juice! Juice was tasty. Squeeze some leftover mangos to make juice to go with! … sample a bit, this was thirsty work! Yum yum!

Little juice pictures for the top of the pie when it was done!

Bugs! Insects! Spiders! All tasty and healthy, but most people found them icky as decoration. Poor taste! Bad taste! But this was an event for making food for others, so their taste was important! Yes!

Time passed in a blur, and the pies were ready! With plenty of time left over! Dozens of hands made baking fast. I couldn’t wait until after the contest, where I could chow down!

The judges wandered over.

“Well Auri, how do you think you did?” Corknarr asked.

“Great! It all went well!” I told her, while writing the same words above my head.

She took a deep sniff.

“It smells positively divine. I can’t wait to try it!”

“Let’s see.” Rabbitstew grunted, grabbing a knife and cutting himself a generous chunk. He placed it on its side, and poked at it a few times.

“Good filling. But see here, you’ve got a soggy bottom. Too much liquid. The sear only works short term on meat, the juices leak when you cook it long enough. Next time, try squeezing the fruits before you put them in.”

Who cared about the soggy bottom! It was all about the taste! THE TASTE! And it tasted great!

Water. My eternal nemesis, appearing to haunt me even in a baking contest!

The two judges took big bites of my pie, and I puffed up in delight.

“Mmm! Just marvelous! I doubted your flavors would work, but they’re spectacular together! A bit too much spice though, and mango zest is an… inspired choice.” Corknarr praised me! Yes! Success! I let off a little multi-colored flame, to show her how happy I was.

Rabbitstew looked less happy.

“Rabbit. Everyone cooks rabbit. It’s overdone, and overcooked.”

My beak dropped open as they left.

What!?

WHAT!?

Nooooooo!

Argh! Stupid bird! Silly bird! OF COURSE other people would think to make Rabbitstew food made out of rabbit! Bah!

Okay!

Right!

Time to get the fire on these wings! This round hadn’t gone so hot. Next round I’d show them!

I’d show them all!

The cake finale! The main event! The first round of the gauntlet of kings!

I had outdone myself this time, yes I had!

I made a huge lava chocolate cake, big enough that I could swim in! If I could get inside.

Decoration was big! Drizzles of chocolate on the sides as ‘lava flows’, fresh strawberries cut like flowers! Little bits of greenery for trees, and I’d made an entire little chocolate town at the base of the cake! Red frosting speckled with chocolate chips made the entire thing look like a volcano!

The ‘lava’ inside the cake utterly swallowing up the town at the bottom was a fun feature, oh yes! Appeal to the bloodthirst inside of everyone! Also appeal to the love of chocolate every living being had!

[Baking] had even leveled up! Yes!

And here came the judges! They hadn’t liked my other creations, but I came back! Time and time again! I learned! I improved!

Cooking for [Kings], here I come!

“Oh my! This is a lovely little cake you have here! What a scene! I practically feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a volcano, waiting for it’s eruption!” Corknarr gasped as she reached my cake.

“Yes, thank you very much, I worked hard on it.” I told her back.

“Village going to be destroyed by the volcano. Nice.” Rabbitstew held out a fist.

I knew what that was for! [Magic Hand] go! Fist bump go!

Corknarr gasped.

“No! Those poor villagers!”

I couldn’t help it. I gave her the stink-eye. Really!? They were fake! Not-real! I could burn them to a crisp and Elaine wouldn’t be sad!

The judges cut into the cake. Tasty lava flows! The lava on the top even fell onto the chocolate ‘lava’ on the inside, making it look neat!

I had totally planned that. Yup. Just like that.

… I hadn’t planned that. I should remember what I did for next time.

“Oooh! A most excellent effect!” Corknarr sniffed eagerly, and the judges each had a slice.

“Tasty.” Rabbitstew commented.

“Not usually my favorite, but this was a treat!” Corknarr said.

They moved on, and my heart fell to my feet. Not very far.

They had barely said anything!

I watched them go to Aleesia’s cake.

Bah! It was barely a cake! It was just a pile of cookies… floating cookies.

Okay, it was clever of her to make the cookies fly like a phoenix. That was smart!

The judges talked for a bit, then ate one of the flying cookies.

“Oh my! The flavor keeps changing! Did you link all of them together?”

Aleesia nodded.

Not fair! Magic! Cheating! Nooooooo.

“Well, this was an exciting first round of the Great School Bake-off! Thank you everyone who attended, this was an exciting first round. First, we’re going to announce our star baker for this round, the one who knocked our socks off the most, the tastiest food.”

I puffed up. I was ready! I was going to be adored for something other than my looks and intrinsic nature! Elaine was in the stands, watching!

She loved the pie I had baked. Best thing she ever tasted! The mango juices had soaked the crust perfectly, and I barely got a slice! Said it made it feel much better after the ‘cheating potion smashers’ and the ‘only third place’.

I had made two more the exact same way.

“Aleesia! Congratulations!” The judges called out.

No. NO! Anyone but Aleesia!

I wanted to stomp on my hat, but this wasn’t the time or the place. Cool. Collected. Dignified. Yup, yup, that was me. I’d just win the star baker next round.

Or heck, maybe I wouldn’t! Only thing that mattered was winning the whole thing.

“Congraaaaaaaaaaaaaaatulations.” I was only a little sarcastic with my words to Aleesia. Anyone else I’d be fine, but nooooo, it had to be her.

Still! Dignity in defeat! I had lost, I could do nothing but accept it and move on!

“Now, sadly, in each round one of us can’t continue on anymore. It was particularly difficult this time, as everyone is just so talented! Auri, I’m sorry, you won’t be joining us next week.”

Nooo!!

Don’t stomp the hat. Dignity in defeat.

Don’t stomp the hat. Dignity in defeat.

Don’t stomp the hat. Dignity in defeat.

A single tear did roll down my cheek.