At first, it consumed him.

A poison invading his entire being and spirit. Slowly making its nest into his heart and psyche…no that is a lie. The poison called regret consumed him instantly, their deaths causing him to descend into self-blame and madness.

Well, he did overcome it at some point. Or perhaps he truly became utterly broken and simply showed a veil of normalcy at times?

This shall be a disclaimer to you who is reading these lines. Darkness is everywhere, it inhabits the worst places, the most righteous ones, and the heart of mankind. It is ever-present in this shitty world.

This is the story of a broken man that somehow lived his life as he desired. What will be conveyed here will not be a wonder of literature. It will simply be his struggles and a tiny bit of his philosophy too.

If you dislike that, leave. Leave right here and now. Plenty will want to listen. There is no need to waste anyone’s time.

If you want to be part of this journey, then decide so right now, for there will be no stopping. Not now, nor ever. Well, at least until it is over.

The abilities of the being typing these lines at this very moment may be lacking, but he trusts in yours to see between the lines and understand the true essence.

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It seems you are still here. This is cause for celebration.

Now, do you know regret?

Understanding regret is necessary to understanding this broken man.

They say regret is a necessary component of life. It allows one to rethink how they should have acted. You know, in case it ever happens again.

Josh had thought things many times over. Every time he had come to the same conclusion. He couldn’t have known but he should have.

Josh had prioritized work over accompanying them to see their hospitalized father. Their financial situation wasn’t the best at the time. He wanted to get as many hours in so he could make sure they wouldn’t lack anything.

She was his and he was hers. Broke, but incredibly happy. Every time he would come back to their tiny, cold, leaking, and half-ruined apartment it would pinch his heart. She was always smiling too, a smile so radiant it would brighten his whole world instantly. But there always was that voice in the back of his head telling him she deserved better.

She’d somehow manage their meager finances without ever a complaint, working her magic so they wouldn’t be in need of anything. Sure, every little thing they owned was half-broken, but it did work!

Josh used to have a promising future. he used to be one of these creatures as rare as a Qilin’s horn…a straight-A student.

People often say there are two types of students, the ones that are bright and smart …and the others. Josh always believed this to be bullshit! The only reason he had good grades was the effort he put into it. While others were playing, he was studying. While they were sleeping, he was studying. Ah, you get it.

That bright future crumbled oh so very easily! Let’s just say Josh had a rough patch. A pretty normal story, a car accident, all his family gone, broke, and homeless. Statistically, it only happens to a few, but it had to be him.

What do you do when faced with such a sudden loss? You cry like a bitch! You cry like a bitch in the morning, you cry like a bitch in the afternoon, you cry like a bitch in the night. You keep crying like a bitch until rumors of a sorrowful ghost appear on the street because that’s where you live now.

Josh was devastated. He had dropped out of school and lost everything, well besides the garbage bin that served as his shelter.

As he kept crying, she appeared, akin to an angel with a bright light halo! Well, if a real angel had tried taking him to Heaven he would have kicked it in the nuts to remain on Earth with her.

Why did she even approach him? He didn’t know but he was so glad. She simply looked at him and said “It’s going to be okay it’s- ouch” as she bit her tongue, looking peeved about it.

Were you expecting some world-shattering amazing motivational speech? Nope. She sounded awkward too. Her voice wasn’t the reassuring pleasing kind. It sounded even a bit funny, as in high-pitched enough that people would make fun of it.

Still, for Josh, it didn’t matter. So she kept talking to him. In most cases, the kind stranger is supposed to calmly and kindly listen to all your problems before leaving you with enlightening words of wisdom.

Once more she defied expectations. She didn’t let Josh place a single word. She simply started unloading all her problems unto him. How her father was sick. How he was losing his mind thanks to an accident. It had damaged part of his brain. Somehow he barely remembered anything.

He could barely live yet she didn’t want to give up on him. Technology was getting better day by day. Who knew if they’d find a solution eventually. Of course, she was clearly lying to herself, she subconsciously knew it too.

Still, the man had raised her and her little sister all by himself. She would not give up on him no matter what. She wasn’t ready yet to simply let him go even if he was but an empty shell nowadays.

Josh could relate to that. The car accident had ended up with a Bang. There wasn’t any corpse to even mourn, nothing but calcinated charcoal remains. He would have given a lot to be able to wish them farewell properly, not just the simple “Have a safe trip, call me when you get there.” So yes, Josh could freaking relate. More than he ever could with anything or anyone.

She also complained a lot about her job. How she had just lost it. How she didn’t know how she would feed her sister. How it was all that bastard manager’s fault for harassing her. She had simply fought back his advances and lost her job in the process. She was innocent, but the world loved to screw up the innocent!

That’s when Josh truly looked at her. Before, she had only been a stranger in his mind. Someone he’d instantly forget right after. No! She was like him, somewhat. Well, except that he was a horrible mess while she looked so damn beautiful. Josh looked and smelled like a true hobo and yet she had come to talk to him.

There are reasons why her appearance cannot be described, but this shall suffice for now.

Anyway, it may have been horrible of him but Josh was glad, truly glad. Glad that there was someone he could share with. Someone that would understand him. he had a few school friends that had tried reaching out to him. But no amount of compassion would have made him feel better.

A little voice inside Josh’s head kept screaming: “Hypocrites, none of you know what loss even is. How dare you…” Of course he’d shut it down fast. But it did reveal how he was feeling. He didn’t blame them. They simply were estranged from one another. That was normal too, especially that they weren’t that close, to begin with.

They talked, A LOT!

She was about to get evicted but she still had a place of her own. She reached out a helping hand. Josh followed her back home and cleaned himself up. There awaited a bubbly little creature called a kid. He was never good with kids but they always loved him.

It still baffled Josh why she trusted him then. She wasn’t the naive kind either. She knew of the darkness of the world. All her relatives had turned their back on her family. But he guessed she was just a really good judge of character.

The next day Josh had found a job. How did he do it so fast? Well, let’s just say the interviewer felt his desperation. It was one of the slimiest dirtiest jobs of them all that was looked down upon by everyone but it was a job. You can try and guess what it was.

In this way, Josh got his life back. A new life. It was one that was full and simple. One that he would have loved to live forever.

Back then he barely knew regret.

The embarrassing moment of when he was the dirtiest hobo in the street? Who cares! It led him to her.

The friends he had lost? He had a new family and that was enough.

Josh did regret slightly not being able to show his girlfriend off to his parents but they would have been proud of him for he had found a kind and beautiful soul.

*Sigh*

Then he lost it all. Abruptly. To the whims of trash. They set their eyes on her, by chance. A result of a bunch of coincidences. Ones that led them to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

At first, there was despair, then regret, then rage, then cold calculative planning, then some more rage, then a tiny sense of accomplishment when his revenge was over. But then he was left with nothing but bittersweet regret.

Josh did not blame himself, he knew that it was a fruitless endeavor. But he did regret all that he had lost. He was left with nothing else than his memories. In there they still existed, smiling as brightly as back then.

As long as he could reminisce he would be happy. His only fear was what would happen once he became old as the memories slowly started to vanish.

Well, that would be a problem for later.