Chapter 191 – Life Itself

ETAN

He could have taken her anger—understood it, let it buffet him. He could have understood jealousy, would have reassured her from it. But this… this uncertainty? Her eyes that said I love you, but I don’t want you to touch me? The recoil in her body when he pulled her close? It broke him open like a ripe melon. Fear shot through him like jagged lightning.

He clung to her, begging.

“Please, Ayleth. Please. Know me. Remember me. I am everything you thought I was. This was a poor decision—the wrong one. It is not a measure of my love for you!”

“No, its not,” she whispered. He wanted to feel relieved, but she didn’t relax under his touch. “But it is a measure of what you believe me capable of. How you view yourself in my life. That you think you should leave me in the dark while you appeared to seek another? Etan… I was physically ill.”

“So was I!” he rasped. “You have to understand, Ayleth. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t risk your life for a hope that she lied! I had to be certain!”

“But why not tell me? Why not let me know so that when you disappeared I could understand?”

Etan grimaced, his forehead still pressed against hers, his hands on her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks, which were dry.

Dear Lord, had he killed her love for him? “I was terrified, Ayleth,” he whispered. “So frightened. More than I have ever been in my life. If she saw that you knew… if you’d given any hint… I couldn’t risk that she would see you and know that you knew. She vowed it to me, Ayleth. She spat curses over you—that she would kill you herself before she would let you become an asset to my Kingdom. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I knew you to be the fiercest of danger… I had to take the safest route.”

Her brows pinched together over her nose and her bright eyes pierced his. He lifted his head from hers, forced himself to hold her accusing gaze, to let her see the pain in him, to understand—

“You did not trust me to deceive my mother?”

“Only because of your heart, Ayleth. I knew you would keep our secrets. I knew that. But she was so… she seemed to know everything! If she’d seen any hint that we were plotting together… if she’d suspected, I thought I would lose you. I can’t lose you, Ayleth. Do you see? Do you understand?”

“Yes, but—”

“No, Ayleth. No buts! Do you understand that you are my heart. You are my soul. You walk around outside my body and you are magnificent, and beautiful, and a joy to my eyes. But losing you… losing you would end me, Ayleth. I would do anything, give up anything to keep you safe. And I cannot pretend otherwise. I will die myself if it meant saving you—I do not say that in a dream. It is simple truth!”

She shushed him, her hands coming to his chest for the first time, and his breath caught. But she fisted his shirt, and she wasn’t smiling.

“Please, Ayleth,” he rasped, cupping her face, searching her eyes. “Forgive me. Please.”

“I do,” she said, tears silvering her lashes. “I do, Etan. I am just… I was so… it was—” Her voice broke on a sob and her fingers twisted in his shirt.

He groaned and pulled her close, covering her, circling her in his arms, pulling her in until he would wrap his entire body around her. And he breathed his love—kissing her skin, begging her over and over, pleading. Reassuring her of his love and admiration, listing her beauties.

“I will never leave you again,” he hushed, taking her lips. And when she sobbed into his mouth, pulling her closer, speaking against her lips. “Never, Ayleth. If you are to die at her hands, I will be there, at your side. I will put myself in the path of the blade, should it come. And if she does possess power to reach you that I cannot intercept… I will be certain the last sound you hear is my love declared for you. And the moment your heart ceases to beat, mine will as well. But I will avenge you. I will take any life that would steal yours.”

Ayleth shook her head, sobbing.

“Please,” he whispered. “Please, Ayleth, believe me.”

“I do.”

“Please forgive me.”

“I do.”

“Please… Ayleth, I need you.”

“I need you, too,” she whispered, her fingers finally splaying, sliding up his chest, to his neck and into his hair, pulling him down into a kiss. “I need you too, Etan. I was so empty without you.”

With a tormented groan, he let her pull him in, taking her mouth in a searing kiss as his entire body shuddered with suppressed need and stifled fear.

Ayleth whimpered into the kiss and her hands became frantic, tearing at his clothing, and his at hers. Together they dissolved into frantic, desperate clutches, teeth-clashing kisses, throat tearing breaths.

Together they stripped, each finding their way to the other’s skin. When Ayleth finally got his buttons open and her hands on his chest, she gave a tiny cry that Etan prayed the men outside couldn’t hear. But he wasn’t far behind, because after loosening her laces, he urged her in a hoarse whisper to raise her arms, and simply pulled her blouse up and over her head, tearing the tie from her braid as it went, revealing her to his eyes, and her hair sliding out of the stiff braid to fall loose around her shoulders.

Etan groaned and, dropping her shirt to the dusty floor, filled his hands with her. Ayleth’s face crumpled and her head dropped back as he whispered his love into her neck, then dropped, kissing his way down her chest, her breasts, her stomach, until he knelt before her, still half-dressed, his chest heaving.

But when he raised his head from tasting her navel to find her staring down at him, fear and love in her eyes in equal measure, he paused in his frantic need and put his hand up to her face. She leaned into his palm, a single tear falling over her lashes and down her cheek.

“You are my life, Ayleth,” and whispered fiercely. “My life. Never doubt it.”

“And you’re mine,” she sobbed quietly. “You cannot forget that, Etan. Please.”

“I never will,” he rasped, pulling her down to join him.

He would show her his love, every moment, every day, until she was certain of him again.. He vowed it.