Heaven woke up feeling sore all over, but mostly on the lower part of her body. She should have listened to her body last night, but she kept going. The pleasure had been more intense than the pain. She didn’t even know how many times she had cried out in pleasure and now her body cried in pain. 

Zamiel was sleeping beside her, with his back to her. His bare back was covered in scars that she had caused, and the sheets were stained with blood. She didn’t know how to feel about the whole situation with her demon and it taking control. She had learned to control it but now it was much stronger than it was before. 

It took complete control over her body and even though she had a great night last night, she still didn’t like the idea of losing control entirely. It was scary. And thinking that she was like this when she had her children around made her worry. She had hurt Zamiel last night and still kept going, just thinking of having what her body craved. It was unlike her. 

And this time it wasn’t flimsy scars that she inflicted. She had dug deep into his flesh. He had to pin her hands down several times so they could finish before there was a bloodbath. He had also avoided kissing her on the lips, which she wanted him to do but she understood why he did it. 

Pushing herself up, she decided to leave him for a short while so he could heal, but just then he turned around. 

“Where are you going?” He asked. 

His lips and neck were also scarred. 

“I thought I would leave for a while so you can heal.” 

He wrapped his fingers around her arm and pulled her down. “Don’t leave,” he said.

Heaven moved closer, and he wrapped his arm around her. He kissed her hair and she buried her face in his chest, smelling her favorite scent. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

Heaven was going to respond but felt strange saying she loved him too, as if she had never said it before. She searched in her mind for a memory where she told him those words but found nothing. Unwilling to give up, she searched again, feeling nauseated because of how anxious she was of not finding anything. 

All her past memories were diffuse. She could see vague images without voices and the feelings attached to them. 

Her first kiss, her wedding, the birth of her children, it was all a mess inside her head. It wasn’t twenty or thirty years ago that she got married. It had only been seven years. That is yesterday in a demon’s life. 

Her heart shrunk in her chest. She wanted her memories back. Those precious moments should never be forgotten. Turning into a demon should have intensified her already existing personality, but she felt like a different person in a different world. 

*****

Zamiel could feel Heaven shrinking in his arms and eventually she pulled away from him. “I’ll get dressed and see Nadine and Eugene.” She said and left the bed without saying I love you back. 

Since she woke up as a demon, she looked troubled and confused. He didn’t know what the change meant for her, but he thought that she could be grieving the loss of her human side and feeling strange being a demon. Her surroundings must feel different with her new senses, more different from what Lucian or Zarin experienced since she had been less demon than them. 

He didn’t know how to help her. Hopefully, with experience she would feel more comfortable with her new self. Controlling one’s demon could be difficult even for a full born demon. 

Zamiel gave her some space to spend time with their children and go around their home to get acquainted with the environment with her new senses. The soldiers had been worried about her health and Zamiel let them know that she was recovering well. They had thought she would die, which she did in some way, because her head injury made her bleed out, but they didn’t know she was a demon. 

Many of them were relieved that she was alright and others a little disappointed. The Royal council took over the royal duties while she was recovering. Zamiel didn’t want her to stress out about going back to work. 

As he watched over her, she seemed happy and calm while spending time with their children, so he left her alone for a while. When he came back to their chamber later that night after going by his work because he had missed many days, he heard cries coming from their garden. He rushed outside and found Heaven sitting on the floor, curled up and crying in her arms.

He hated to see her cry. It broke his head. He walked closer and went down on his knees in front of her. “Heaven.” He called her name gently. 

She looked up, her eyes red and wet with tears. “I can’t remember,” she said. 

“What can’t you remember?” 

“Our first kiss. Our wedding. How I felt. I can’t see your face to know if you were happy or how happy you looked. I can’t remember what I felt when I held our children for the first time. I can’t remember all those things.” She raised her voice in frustration. “How could I forget?” 

“Heaven, you hit your head and went through a big change. I am sure your memories will come back eventually and if they don’t, I’ll share mine with you to help you remember while we create new ones together,” he told her. 

It looked like his words had no effect. She kept crying. 

“Everything feels different. I hear and smell things, my body doesn’t feel like mine and… and I don’t know. I couldn’t even tell you that I loved you this morning. Something is wrong with me.”

That had concerned him for a while, but then he had felt stupid for even worrying about it. He knew Heaven loved him and that she was just confused at this moment. She didn’t know how to control her demon yet and block out the things she didn’t need to hear, smell, or feel. 

Zamiel took her hands in his. “There is nothing wrong with you. You are just a demon now who doesn’t know how to control her demon. You will learn with time and I will help you. It may seem like a bad thing to be a demon, but there are so many good things you might learn to like. To see the world from a demon’s eyes can be both frightening and exciting.” 

“It is only frightening.” She said. “I feel like I don’t know how I will react the next moment. When I am sad, I feel really sad and when I am angry, I feel like… ” she clenched her jaw, “killing someone. I am afraid of… what if I hurt someone? I don’t feel safe around our children.” 

“No, Heaven!” Zamiel shook his head. “Never think such a thing. You would die but you would never hurt them.”

“You don’t know.” 

“I know.” He said with utmost certainty. “If I thought you were a danger to them, I wouldn’t leave you with them. You are still you, just more demon. You are still the mother to our children and you are still my wife. You are still Queen Heaven.” 

He wiped the tears away from her face, and she leaned in and wrapped her arms around him. Zamiel stroked her back. 

“I love you,” she whispered, putting a smile on his face 

“I love you too,” he replied.