“You’ve gotten quiet,” Amanda said.

Quiet… was I? am I? I didn’t realize, or more accurately, I didn’t think so. Not on my end. In this incessant rain, splattering, hammering down, with thunder rumbling, reverberating the rafters, my insides… and then there was the wind, stinging cold, blowing like a sharp, piercing whistle. 

Frankly, quiet was the last word I’d use here.

“No, I… I wasn’t…” I responded back, barely able to make out my own voice from the chaos all around me. “I’m thinking…” 

“Yeah, I can hear that,” She said, and I had my phone pressed so hard against my ear, that her every word almost seemed to boom. “I can also hear you weighing your options, making your decision… just now, you just decided just now, didn’t you?” 

“I don’t even know what I just did just now,” I shifted about an inch, and I was very painfully reminded of the throbbing, the searing, every nerve, still lingering. “How do you know?” 

“Because you’re you, aren’t you?” came her reply, and I could almost hear the eye-roll. “I can tell my little speech has gotten you riled up again… and when it comes to failing or succeeding, you’ll always choose to succeed. Despite the risks, the consequences, the cost of it… you’ll still choose to succeed. It’s just how your brain’s programmed, I guess.” 

How very… astute. Does she have some kind of magical telescope in her apartment aimed squarely at my mind? It’s the only way she would have known and guessed as she did. That, or my traits and motivations were really just that shallow and predictable. 

Whichever the case…

“You’re right,” I said.

And for her uncannily accurate predictions, she rewarded herself with a long audible sigh. “I thought so…” 

The tone of her voice had me briefly pausing in place. “Now it’s you that’s gotten quiet.” 

Lightning and thunder drowned her response, and the only word I managed to hear was a faint, flat, “…thinking.” 

Unfortunately, I don’t have a magical telescope like she did, so I just had to settle on asking, “Thinking about what?” 

“The same things you were. The risks, the consequences, and what it’ll cost in the end… ’cause unlike you, I’m not as willing to have you throw your life away.”

“I’m not.” 

“No, of course not… you’re only intending to succeed, aren’t you?” She said, another sigh blowing like the howling wind. “Sorry, it’s just that, from here, it’s kinda hard to tell the difference.”

“Amanda…” 

“No, no, I accepted how you are when it comes to things like this, I’m not gonna guilt you into stopping, not like that would have stopped you anyhow. You’ve been this way since day one. Risking your life to save a bunch of nobodies from a pair of Matriarchs… saving me. Yeah, I wouldn’t want you any other way. 

“That’s why I said what I said, gave you that little pep talk, point out where you’re screwing up, because just the same… I wouldn’t want to see you fail either. But just… give me this chance to worry sick about you, it’s all I can do… after all, how can I say I truly love you if I didn’t?” 

Hearing her somehow stung and seared harder than anything I felt thus far. It was just another reminder of why I’ve been failing the way I have, why subconsciously, I was scared to succeed. Because now I have so much more to lose than before. I still want more time with everyone, as much as I can have. That’s why I was holding myself back, that’s why, despite doing so much, I still wasn’t doing quite enough. 

I’ll try again. One more attempt, and this time whatever the hell happens next, whether if I succeed, or if I fail… I’ll be sure to make this my last. 

“I love you too,” I told her, pulling myself to my feet with a little help from the wooden railing. “Thanks for calling when you did… you probably don’t know it, but I was this close to making a mistake I’d probably wind up regretting my whole life.” 

“Yeah, well… what are girlfriends for, right? If they’re not enabling your heroic, nearly suicidal tendencies, then they’re doing it wrong. I’m sure I’m not the only one telling you you got this, right? Irene, Ash… Adalia probably… they all probably already beat me to the punch, didn’t they?” 

“It’s not a race,” I said, feeling a smile form on my lips. “But for what it’s worth, you’re that last push on the back that I needed to cross this finish line…”

Amalia made a noise. “Mmm, depending on how this goes, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, honestly…”

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” 

“Doesn’t help that you keep raising that flag!” She snapped. “Would it kill you not to jinx it? I’m already anxious enough without you signing your death warrant every five seconds.” 

It started to pour even harder than before. Rain that fell like bricks, thunder that exploded like dynamite, and lightning a blinding, flashing white. That’s my cue.

“I’m not sure how long I’ll be,” I said, forcing my voice louder over the raging, pouring torrent. “But I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” 

“You said that yesterday too,” Amanda said. “Didn’t get a call back.”

I blinked. “This time, I promise.”

She groaned. “Stop promising.” 

I smiled. “No promises.” 

Slowly, I began to lower the phone away from my ear, heaving in a firm breath, steeling my composure, but then just as my thumb hovered over the big red button – I heard a faint squeak emitting from the tiny speakers. 

“Wait!” I heard it say, and quickly I raised the phone close again, and quietly, I heard her say. “Don’t hang up.” 

“What?” 

“Keep me on,” She said, a little firmer. “I’m not there, but I want to be here for you. Every second of it. Keep me on, let me hear you try.” 

“Uhh…” I hissed in a breath. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, considering… I mean, I don’t think you’d want to hear me screaming and yelling in sheer utter agony, do you?”

“Yeah. you’re right, I really don’t, it’ll probably scar me…” She said. “But I will… I have to… for you, so…”

“I never asked you to do this for me…” 

“Fine, it’s for me, then!” Amanda said, breathing out loud. “I just have to… I don’t want to sit here waiting, not knowing… it’ll kill me. So keep me on, will you?”

Her one request.

“Please?”

Who was I to turn it away?

“Alright.”