Chapter 60: John Titor – Oak of Time, Any%

A dimly lit warehouse with mechanical parts lying across the concrete floor. Off to the side, just out of frame, there was a steel capsule shaped like a satellite with [IA0 – TITOR] emblazoned in gold.

It was the area where John Titor did his teaser stream for Project MirAIs. Unlike that stream though, the perspective was reversed. Instead of a row of computers as the background, there was a steel wall. And on that steel wall, there was a door with bright orange sparks painted on it, along with the name Hana Homura.

John- specifically, John Titor, reached out, adjusting the camera. As he did, he nodded and then sat back on a worn-out gaming chair with faded red and black swirls. When he was settled, he reached down and picked up a gray ‘M’ shaped controller.

[???]

[Wait, is this live?]

[Eh?! That Mister John is streaming?!]

“Let’s see…” John glanced to the side and muttered, “Hana’s streaming in a few hours. I should stop before then and then head over to moderate. There’s always that one guy who goes out of line and both Alpha and Beta are going to be busy today.”

[Can he… not see us?]

[John! You’re live!]

[Is he testing out the streaming setup for Hana?]

John leaned back into his chair and tapped his controller, staring directly into the camera. His eyes flitted from side to side, as if reading something.

[Hey! Can you see us?]

[I.A.0!]

[Let us in! Let us iiiiiin!]

“Hm. The record is forty-five minutes? Amateurs. Did they not discover Arbitrary Code Execution and wrong warps yet? No, I suppose the worldline is different, so that should be expected.”

[Huh? What’s he talking about?]

[Arbitrary Code Execution?]

[Wait! Is he playing a retro game?]

[That’s the M64 controller!]

John hummed and then said, “I should test it. Something this minor shouldn’t distort time too far.” Saying that, he pressed the start button in the middle of his controller.

A faint piano intro, paired with strings before being joined by an ocarina. The sound of a cursor moving in a menu echoed as John pressed the controller’s Dpad.

[Wait! This is Oak of Time!]

[Legend of Lonk?]

[Why is he streaming this?]

“Hm…” John reached out to the side and then tapped something. “I won’t be submitting this, so the timing doesn’t matter too much. Still, I need metrics so… On three.”

Another voice answered him, similar but more sarcastic. Also distorted, as if playing through a speaker. *Oh sure, leave it to me to time the run.*

“What else are you going to do? Play games?”

*Yes!*

John waved his hand and said, “Just help me with this first. Then you can go off and do whatever you planned. Now, on three.”

*Three two one? Or three two one go?*

John coughed. “On go. Three. Two. One… Go.”

A confirmation sound echoed, and then a timer appeared just above John’s head, floating in red numbers. The same that had been used to count down Hana’s debut.

[A speedrun?!]

[Wait, what?]

[Oi! You ignoring us or what?!]

“Mm… the intro segment should be the same. Lonk wakes up in his house, we get control immediately after and- Hm?” John blinked, glancing at something on the side.

[He noticed!]

[You’ve been working too hard, Mr. Titor!]

[lol Did you want to become an idol to or somthign?]

“…Huh. I’m streaming.”

*Of course you are! That was the whole point!*

John chuckled. “True enough. Didn’t think it would have started already though.” His dark eyes glanced to the side and said, “About… 200 of you, huh? Well, I suppose this is the attractor field at work. Let me give you something a bit more to look at than just my old face then.”

[I’ll look at that handsome face all day!]

[Titor is husbando material!]

[If you’re old, then I must be a fossil!]

The screen layout changed. The scene with John sitting in his chair shrank and moved to the top right corner. At the same time, a window showing a CGI intro of a fairy floating around a forest played in the background. And then the timer over John’s head flew over to the left side of the screen.

“There.” John nodded and said, “That should be somewhat more interesting. A bit unexpected, but I suppose I should repay you somewhat for supporting Hana… And I will let you know that I am happily married, so I may be ‘husbando’ material, but I’m definitely not yours.”

[Gah!]

[Why are all the good men taken!?]

[Can you be my onii-chan then?]

“…You’re all women, aren’t you?” John shook his head. “No, don’t answer that. I already know. No matter what timeline, that never changes…”

[lolol]

[How did you know?]

[N-No I’m not! I’m a gay, I swear!]

[*guy! Guy! G.U.Y!]

“Sure, sure.” John leaned back and lazily pressed the buttons on his controller. “Well, since I’m streaming, I might as well introduce myself. MirAIs Operator I.A.0, John Titor. I run Project MirAIs, an idol company like MB16 but with the intent to help the girls gain support to sort out their affairs.”

[An idol company?]

[You’re really playing up the character, huh?]

[Cool!]

John moved Lonk around, backflipping out of the character’s room onto the forest floor. “Character? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m really a time traveler from a different world… And this Earth is seriously messed up in comparison.”

[Cringe.]

[Oh really? Then what’s the future like?]

[How did you meet Hana?]

John read the comments and chuckled. “This isn’t an ‘ask me anything.’ But I suppose nothing’s going on right now, so I’ll answer some things. As for your comments… In order: Not as cringe as the fact that you’re about 30 and unmarried. Normal, and still without good machine translations. By saving her life.”

Lonk spun on the screen, turning his back to the camera, and then started scuttling backwards.

[[email protected]!?! How?!]

[You’re a lot calmer than your last stream.]

[Give up the act already?]

[What happened to the mysterious Titor?]

John maneuvered Lonk around in weird ways, spinning the camera, locking onto seemingly random objects, and collected rubies. Between doing that, he said, “You all caught me off-guard. And since it’s like that, you all receive the privilege of seeing behind the mirror for a short while… especially since this stream will be privated afterwards. Ah, and that girl wearing the blue t-shirt who just opened her recording software. I suggest you stop.”

[!!?!?!?]

[H-Huh?!]

[W-W-Wait. Are you really…?]

John chuckled. “Did I guess right? Or do I really know? Do you dare open Schrödinger’s box to find out?”

Lonk walked into a shop and bought a shield before heading out and running to a winding forest labyrinth.

[Are you really John Titor?]

[How does time travel work?]

[Why are you streaming?]

John smiled, glancing at the chat. “My name is John, yes. I’m not the same person as that John who owns the company providing the base for Project MirAIs in this timeline, however. That man has to deal with the drudgeries of this timeline and world.” John leaned back and said, “I am just along for the ride to ensure that my girls manage to live their dreams and achieve their goals.”

[There’s another John?]

[Oh! John Smith… Wait. That’s so generic!]

[Are you reaaally not him?]

“Again, believe what you will. But it could end poorly for you if you bet wrong.”

*Ha! Hyah! Ha!* Lonk had moved into a gap between two walls leading up to a giant tree. There, John made him hop back and forth, sliding in and out of a wall.

[Huh?]

[What’s going on here?]

[What are you trying to do, Mister John?]

“Hm? Ah, I suppose I should explain what I’m doing.” John made Lonk backflip again and said, “I wanted to test some things. This game is a common speedrun game, but it appears that the times have yet to be as optimized as I remember them to be. Of course, it could be due to worldline differences, so I wanted to check, and- Ah. It worked.”

[?!!?]

[????]

[Wait, what?!]

Lonk vanished, suddenly reappearing in front of a towering black boar.

[That’s the final boss!]

[How?!]

[Gamesharp codes?]

The black boar roared before text appeared on-screen. Canondork, the Dark Boar’d.

“Pft. That’s different… But as you can see, I’ve reached the final boss.”

*Hyah!* Lonk backflipped, clipping through the black boar, and then started slashing at its tail.

John casually pressed the buttons on his controller to fight the boss, fingers blurring as he did. “What I just performed is called a ‘wrong warp.’ Through fiddling with the way memory shuffles in the game loading, performing a set series of actions causes me… or rather Lonk to appear in another part of the game. Ah, I suppose I should mention that I triggered some flags to make sure the game doesn’t freeze either.”

[This… anyone following?]

[I… see.]

[chat take notes this will be on the exam]

“Now this part is a bit more difficult to explain.”

Lonk backflipped out of Canondork’s charge and then slid towards the wall. At the same time, the camera kept focusing on him. But since he was moving, the camera kept jerking ever so slightly.

“Because the developers were lazy, they made Lonk’s hit box tied with the camera. Ordinarily, this doesn’t matter since the camera will always lock onto Lonk. But if I fiddle just enough…”

Suddenly, the camera froze, revealing a black screen. But the game hadn’t frozen.

“I can do this.”

John pressed the shoulder button on his controller, causing the camera to lock on again. But instead of Lonk, it locked onto Canondork.

A bizarre sound. Metallic clangs, as well as clipped roars, repeating at a rapid pace. And then Canondork’s health bar depleted.

“Aaand he’s dead.”

[My brain…]

[Galaxy brain plays…]

[what]

The screen faded to black before showing another CGI movie. This one of Lonk standing in front of the princess.

John stared at it and said, “I wonder if the cutscene skip still- Ah, it works. And that’s time.”

The red timer on the left side of the screen stopped.

“Let’s see…” John glanced over, idly brushing back his black hair. “Five thirty seven, huh? We can do better than that. And there’s still about four hours left until Hana starts her stream.” He glanced to the side, presumably reading the chat. “Since you guys are here, why don’t I show you some other glitches? This game is pretty broken, you know?”

[…My brain. It hurts.]

[MY BRAIN TREMBLES]

[What is this black magic?]

John chuckled. “Well, sufficiently advanced technology *is* indistinguishable from magic. Now… Prepare yourselves. Since you’ve opened the gate, it’s too late to retreat.”

[…Mom, come pick me up. I’m scared.]