It was Christmas, and I was spending the whole time at home. And it wasn’t because I had no plans or no one invited me to hang out but majorly because I still wasn’t done recharging my social battery from yesterday’s interaction.

Lying on my bed, the screen of my mobile was lit beside me. I was scrolling through social media, and most of the people were uploading pictures and stories of what they did on Christmas Eve.

I wasn’t a person to be actively part of such a debacle.

I was scrolling past Tsūmen’s account and noticed that he uploaded that picture we took yesterday in his story and tagged all of us on that. A peal of soft laughter left my mouth as I stared at the picture for a few moments.

I was reminiscing about the phone call with my sister last night. She called me to wish me Christmas but we didn’t talk much since she was with her friends.

“Merry Christmas, Sai!” She said in her energetic voice as always. The conversation between us lasted for a few minutes, mostly just exchanges of how either of us was doing.

I also remember my mobile going crazy with notifications as everyone was spamming wishes in group chats. I also got a few personal wishes but two of them were completely unexpected.

They were from Kizhashi and Reina.

“Why can’t you come?” Was the text that Gaisen sent me last night. I didn’t want to trouble their plan because of me so I ended up making an excuse for catching a cold.

Gaisen was aware of my sensitivity to changing weather, so he just told me to take care of myself and didn’t give it much of a thought.

I recalled how lonely I was on Christmas, the previous year. It’s not like Tsūmen and Gaisen weren’t my friends back then. They invited me to hang out with them last year as well and I still remember how hung up Tsūmen was when I rejected them.

He tried to convince me but I just couldn’t vibe well with them at that point in time.

  It’s just that due to my sceptical nature, I ended up taking a lot of time before I could trust them.

I remember laying on my bed, in darkness. The sound of the clock ticking in my room felt way too loud for some reason. I wasn’t sleeping, my eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling.

I was drowning in my thoughts.

People tried to get closer to me but I just ended up pushing them away despite their intentions towards me. They might have been well intent towards me, but I couldn’t care less about it.

At least that’s how I used to think.

Meeting Tsūmen and Gaisen changed my perspective a lot on these thing.

My mindset was like that probably because I had met no one I could consider an actual friend till that moment. All my life, I’ve been around superficial people who spilt nothing but sugar-coated words.

They liked the person I was from outside, but not a single person tried to understand how I was personally. And if I think back on it, neither of them would’ve actually accepted me for who I’m.

The more I realised this, the shorter my tolerance grew for these kinds of things. To simply avoid being involved in such interactions, I walked on the path of a Loner.

Once you get addicted to solitary, it becomes difficult to return to interactions.

It reminded me of the last Christmas I spent with my family. I remember my mum and dad talking with my sister at the dinner table. She was in her final year of high school at that time, so she was still living with us.

The sound of their laughs and the sight of their smiles still linger upon my mind, as if that was just yesterday. Sometimes when I order takeaway food, or I’m not in the mood for cooking, I miss the meals my mother used to cook.

Even though I was never the one to be actively taking part in family conversations. And it was not like I was way too immersed in myself, but rather the fact that I’ve been shut off by them every time I wanted to say something.

I didn’t give it much of a thought at first, but after the same thing being repeated so many times, I slowly shut myself out from them.

Though it wasn’t the worst thing and I couldn’t care less about it. It’s not like they used to do it intentionally, as I could tell by their expressions that they didn’t consider anything of the ordeal.

Though recalling back, spending Christmas with your own family does have a certain essence to it. And it was more prominent for me because I was well aware of the subconscious void in my mind.

Why did she have to be like that?

I only ever wished for a normal life and always tried my best to put up with her.

My sister used to bake cakes for Christmas. It was mostly a delightful time since our dad used to be on his break and it was always great to spend some time with him. And he brought presents for us as well.

I don’t despise them, I’m just disappointed.

I realised that the more I think about it, I’ll keep sinking in this abyss of despair.

It was a funny thing.

How hatred has no limits, yet your love for somebody ends at a particular point. A person who loves must be prepared to face what hatred is as well. After all, love and hate are just two sides of the same coin.

Looking back at how my life changed over the years it still astonishes me.

“Heya!” I heard a cheerful voice call out to me, followed by rushed footsteps pacing towards my bed.. I shifted my glance around and got face to face with lustrous silver hairs.