INTERLUDE: MEMORIES & CLOSED PATHS

“Was I victorious.…? I think not, there are no popping balloons and it’s so dark to perceive anything. But at the end somehow I was able to see a dazzling star, even in that chaos. It was glowing brightly.

I was calm for this was not my first time anymore. I have grown up. Hmmm….. I was sure I was dead, if not then why would I be again in a dark empty place. But I don’t think I should be getting proud or habituated of dying in the first place.

I cannot move my body, not new. Though I feel something tickling my face.

Suddenly the black curtain like thing distorted in irregular curves. In a lift off, bright light blinded my eyes.

Noises came pouring in and visuals of the scenery presented themselves in a quick glance in front of me.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzz…

A soft music was playing in the background and the sceneries on both of my side, and even on my front and back kept on changing.

I was in a car.

A person just now was wiping my face, maybe with a towel. I tried to move my hands but it won’t respond. Neither my cervical movement nor my legs, answered to my call.

Just what is happening? I tried to look around and it worked.

My hands they are so tiny. What is the meaning of this? I looked at my own body below my neck and it was a child’s body. Maybe around five or six years old.

The person, who wiped my face, appears to be a young woman. I tried to look at her face.

“….N-N-NN-NOO….” There was not one. It was just a black area. There was no face to look at.

I finally remembered. I used to have this dream until middle school. And then I even forgot about this.

This person was none-other than my mother and the one driving the car was my father. His face too was blank.

I knew they were speaking something, but I couldn’t even hear their voices. For some awful reason all my body was doing, performing small claps in odd succession. While my mother tried to repeat it. As if she was playing along with whatever I wanted. I might have been trying to imitate one of the clowns at the carnival, though it might have been a failed venture to begin with. It’s embarrassing to think that we used to put up such non-sensical acts, but our parents without any hesitation tries to enjoy themselves in these meaningless actions of kids.

What time it is? I wondered and looked outside the side window. Even though I had no control over my own body, I was able to look clearly in all direction. Although I couldn’t hear my parent’s voices or see their faces, the outside voices were clear to me.

Even now I feel so lonely. Why I have to remember such a terrible memory right now. Just get over with my pain, haven’t I had enough. So please stop tormenting me with this.

…Or, rather this world was going to end itself soon anyway.

It was almost evening. The sky had a red hue, just around where the sun set. It was a clear aesthetic dark blue sky and yet the stars were nowhere around to be seen. The crescent moon was an early show, and it followed us around.

I wanted to leave. I am afraid of the sounds. It’s too terrible to travel. Going outside of our home was a big mistake. Anything can happen in the outside world and you wouldn’t be able to react when the unthinkable happens. Maybe that’s why I was so adverse to travelling and unconsciously misinterpreted directions in my previous life.

We were returning from a carnival setup from the next city. After crossing the next check-point on the highway, we would have been back in our city. As far as I remember, it was me who was adamant on going there. And I used every bit of my toddler’s charm to convince my parents to take me there. This was the time when we were returning home.

POOOPPPOOOO…

POOOOOO…PPPPOOOOO…

My parents looked in the direction from where the sound was coming. It was on the other side of the metal fence, a six-wheeled heavy automobile truck was closing in from another direction at a terrific speed. My parents did not bother with it since it was travelling on the other side except for the loud continuous noise the horn was emitting.

The truck closed in and the intensity of the speaker grew. My senses expanded, reminding me of the fast approaching heavy wheels, the screeching sound of friction, the smell of burning rubber and the loud CLANG noise of the truck breaking through the metal fences.

CRASH.

My world was turned upside –down. After the truck jumped from one road to another in a frantic manner, it made a direct hit with the rear of my car. With a loud boom, the car was flipped and went flying off the road.

Breaking through another large metal fencing, separating the lower contoured land and the elevated road. The car’s shape was altered to a mashed up pulp.

It turned three hundred and sixty turns for indefinitely and when it stopped…

My sense of time with it, stopped too.

Red liquid slowly flowed across the grassy uneven ground. The roof was torn apart and the inside space of the car was reduced to none.

While I was trapped inside the car, a warm embrace held me. I was surrounded by my mother’s body. She had protected me from taking any body injury but was unable to protect my head, which had taken a hit from the car’s metal body.

From what was told to me after I suffered from amnesia, my father died from severe head injuries, while my mother’s backbone was snapped. It was a horrible accident and help arrived late too. If it was not for my mother’s protection, I might have been dead too.

Maybe it would have been better that way. If I were dead, I wouldn’t be left alone. People wouldn’t avoid for no good reason at all. I didn’t have to put up with my uncle and aunt’s horrible treatment.

But it was painful to think that what life my mother tried her best to protect, shouldn’t fall apart or give up so easily. I had to live.

But I missed even the last opportunity.

I wonder what my parent’s would have said when they would see me in that unsightly state. Covered all in blood. Lost to my own impulses. And I couldn’t even protect my own life, because I foolishly jumped into trouble, more than I could handle.

Do they hate me, for that accident? Do they blame me for their deaths? Wasn’t it my fault, they were forced to take me to the carnival. Isn’t that’s the reason I can’t see their faces. They must be angry with me. Why wouldn’t they. I am to blame.

People around me always end up getting hurt. First my parents met with a horrific road accident. Athena was targeted and attacked by Fenrir because I stayed around her. Maybe uncle and aunt were right about me being a misfortune. Maybe that’s what you call people with a curse. Nothing good ever happened. Nothing went the way I wanted it to. Even that little fox-girl was murdered right in front of me. Maybe if I tried harder, then I could have saved her.

Had I known this would have happened, that my life would become so miserable.…

“…I’m sorry…It’s my fault…This was all my fault…”

If only I could have met them once again, if only I could have asked for their forgiveness. To always put up with my stupid demands. I won’t ask them for anything anymore. I would obediently listen to whatever they would say and try to be at my best behaviour. If only I could see them again, smiling. If only I could hear them calling out my name, affectionately. If only they could come back to life.

But,

“I…I don’t have the right…to even…see them anymo…”

I think my eyes finally opened up again, I was still wrapped in my mother’s arm. I think she was trying to move, to push me outside the window of the car. When her hands finally stopped moving and fell. The surrounding started turning cold soon, blood started running all over my clothes. I couldn’t watch anymore of this, and I felt a huge cavity growing inside my head, trying to break it apart.. I cried in pain and finally I was somehow able to lift my body, but this time, I was back to my new reality.