~~

Star

~~

“That’s three times now you’ve said something I don’t quite understand. But aside from that, you are right, I do blame myself a lot. But, I think I am just conditioned to do that. Every time someone came to see me when I was with my family, it seemed like they were always blaming something on me so it’s just habit.”

“Yeah, well, I will break you of that habit.” She grinned. “How about I pinch you if you blame yourself unnecessarily.” She had a mischievous look in her eyes when she said that.

“Um, n-no thank you.” I stammered a little as I tried to answer that.

“Fine, I will find another way. But as long as you understand that today was not your fault.”

“Yeah, but-.”

“No buts.” She cut me off again. “Today. Was. Not. Your. Fault.” She was glaring at me, though it looked more playful than mean. “Say it.”

“But.”

“Say it.” She insisted again.

“Fine.” I sighed. “Today was not my fault.” I could barely force the words out.

“Good girl, now say it again.”

“Today was not my fault.” It was easier to say it this time.

“See. It’s getting easier for you to believe that isn’t?” She looked at me with a smile that lit up her face. “As far as I can tell, Star, you’ve never done anything wrong, ever.”

“Well, I stabbed Lisa.” I hung my head in shame.

“Is that the bitch from today?” I nodded to answer her. “Then that isn’t considered bad at all. You did that to save your life.”

“I still hurt someone. It was wrong of me.”

“And what would she have done to you if she had gotten you all the way back to your uncle’s house?” I shuddered at her words, just at the idea of what she was telling me. Then, as I thought about it more I shuddered again, just for good measure. “You see what I mean. That perra doesn’t need you to feel sorry for her, she’s sorry for her own existence.”

“Now it’s four.” I was laughing now when I said this. Chay was really trying to make me stop blaming myself and to make me feel better.

“What’s four?” She looked confused.

“Four things you said that I don’t understand.” I was still smiling but I answered her anyway.

“What were they?”

“Para or something like that. Pen something, car something and-.”

“Yeah I can guess the last one.” She was laughing. “Most of what I said was just Spanish, I learned it because of my aunt. Plus I had a new appreciation for the language recently when I threw what my brother now calls the doom book at his head.” She was laughing as she remembered something fondly. “And the last one, which was twat waffle I am guessing, it’s just a really funny insult to call someone, but it’s very crude.”

“Oh.” I didn’t understand half of what she said. “What’s a doom book?”

“The Spanish dictionary that I threw at Artem when he went and acted like a moron the other day.” She was laughing even harder now, that must have been a good memory for her.

“I hope you didn’t hurt him.” I was worried about Artem now, even though it had been a while since she had hit him.

“He’s fine, if anything I smartened his ass up.”

“By hitting him.” I was still shocked.

“You really do like him don’t you?” I blushed then, so fiercely that I felt like my face was going to catch on fire.

“I, it’s not, I just, he’s really, I just want, yeah.” I stuttered and stammered through many starts and stops to that sentence until I landed on the truth.

“That’s good, he will be happy.”

“Don’t tell him.” I begged her but not really knowing why.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t think that I should tell him yet. Not after what happened.”

“Alright, I won’t tell him.” She smiled and looked like she was content, she didn’t seem like she was going to tell him, which made me happy.

“Thank you.”

“No prob, what’re friends for? But I think you should tell him before too long.”

“I-I will.”

“Good.” She stood then. “I am going to go find out about some food, I’m hungry.”

“Ok.”

After Chay closed the door I realized that I didn’t really want to leave the room yet because I had way too much to think about. Not to mention that I needed to get myself cleaned up. I could feel the blood from Lisa stiffening in my hair.

I walked to my bathroom and started the shower with very hot water. I stripped away the clothes I was wearing and threw them directly into the trash. I didn’t want the clothes anymore after she had touched them and bled on them.

When I was finally standing there naked I opened the shower door and stepped inside. I would have preferred the bath but I didn’t want the water to be tainted by the blood. But still, the hot water was already helping to settle my nerves and to warm me up.

I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I stepped into the water and felt myself shudder from the difference in the temperature of the water and my skin.

For a while I just stood there, letting the hot water almost scald me as it rinsed away the blood and the fear that had come along with it. With this shower I would wash away not only Lisa’s blood, but my fear of my family. From this moment on I would do my best to try and be brave at all times.

Cleaned, rinsed, dried, and dressed. I had gone through all those motions as I thought about how I wanted my future to be. I tried to think about what I wanted for me, for those around me, for Artem.

The conclusion that I came to, was that I wanted to stay here with the people who made me feel safe and happy. I wanted to help Artem with the kids. I wanted to spend time with Bailey and Reed, and their sister Ella. I wanted to get to know more about Chay, Kent, Toby, Morgan, and of course Artem. And I think I was falling in love with Artem, so I wanted to see what that meant, if we were truly fated mates like the others had found. There was so much that I wanted that I didn’t know what to do about it all. Hopefully they would all help me in that aspect as well.

Ugh, I felt so needy at times like this.