Chapter 39

Chapter 39

“I’m glad you’re here now. No one comes here except for the maids who clean up sometimes. Just hide for a little while, okay?”

Noir, who was nibbling on his food, raised his head and looked at me. His amber eyes seemed to understand everything I said.

[ Would it be easy for you to give it up? ]

The hand stroking Noir’s back stopped suddenly as I remembered what Amoide had said back then.

“I’ll protect you for sure, okay? I won’t send you away.”

[ If you’re going to go back on your words so easily, then just don’t say anything in the first place. ]

The voice was so vivid that it felt like someone was whispering into my ear.

“I’ll never throw you away. I promise.”

Meooow.

Noir gave a long cry as if to answer me.

* * * 

A few days later, Raymond came to the Duchy for the usual check ups. After examining Amoide, Raymond went to me to examine my hand.

“If you don’t lift anything heavy or suddenly strain your hand, it should be fine soon.”

Raymond took off the bandages and carefully checked my hand’s condition.

“You won’t need the bandages anymore.”

“Already?”

Because of the shock I felt, my voice came out an octave higher. When Raymond looked at me in surprise, I put on a forced smile on my face.

“It’s nothing.” I shook my head. “I know it’s something that must be done.”

I said this while holding the bandage tightly in my hand. It was my life line.

“I’m still feeling a bit of pain, so I think I’ll still need the bandages.”

“Ah, so it’s like that,” Raymond nodded, seeming as if he was convinced by my reason.

“But really, my hand’s condition is nothing compared to Amoide’s state.”

Raymond’s expression darkened at my words.

“But he’s been doing better because of your medicine, right? So he’ll be fine soon. Right?” I asked carefully.

‘Say yes. Please.’

I looked at him with desperation in my eyes. The reason why Amoide’s illness was frightening was because we didn’t really know what it was.

“What I’m doing isn’t truly ‘healing’, Duchess.”

He had a bitter smile on his lips.

“What do you mean, Raymond?”

“Right now, it’s just a temporary measure to alleviate his symptoms.”

“…”

“Even basic treatment isn’t possible. All I could do is just… reduce the pain he feels and prevent extreme incidents from happening, as much as possible.”

“I actually used to work at a pharmacy, so I knew what the contents of the prescription were.”

“Pardon?”

I felt guilty for a moment, but I schooled my features as I studied his reaction.

“It’s been a while since I worked there, so I don’t know much anymore. I did help with the preparation of the formulations, but the terms are quite difficult.”

I spewed out whatever believable excuse I could make, but it was still a struggle.

“Yes, all the ingredients used in the prescription are strong painkillers and stabilizers. They’re there to help relieve the pain and prevent seizures.”

He took off his glasses and pressed his fingers over his temples.

“However, if this prescription is taken often and over a long period of time, the effect will gradually weaken. That’s why the prescription will need to be increased as time passes as well.”

Raymond’s words were almost the same as what Walter had said.

[ Well… It’s a prescription for a person who has only a few days left to live. The purpose is to reduce their pain so they can pass on peacefully. ]

The more I listened to Raymond, the more it felt like my heart was being shattered to pieces.

“It’s impossible to treat because the cause of the illness is unknown.”

“Is there really no way to find out?”

“I don’t think I am competent enough yet,” Raymond said as he avoided my gaze.

“That’s impossible. Your family has been serving as the Efret family’s doctor for generations. I’m sure there’s no one else who could diagnose Amoide other than you, Raymond.”

Having been the family’s doctor for generations meant that they could provide specialized care.

“Anyway, His Grace is still young, so I’m trying my best to find a way. I do think he’ll get well soon.”

“Thank you, Raymond.”

Then, inside my mind, I added, ‘And I’m sorry.’

I wonder what came over me. Raymond had always been beside Amoide whenever he fell sick. It wasn’t right that I suspected him of purposely tampering with Amoide’s medicine.

“Are you feeling alright, Your Grace?”

“Yes? What are you…”

“Ever since you fainted last time, Madam Camilla has been very worried.”

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

But truthfully, I was surprised, too.

‘I also can’t believe I collapsed.’

When I worked hard for hours on end to feed my siblings, I never fainted or collapsed from overwork. I was born with a naturally healthy constitution… But I guess I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.

“Madam Camilla is always concerned about Your Grace’s health. Not only physically, but mentally as well. She’s worried that the words you hear around you might be bothering you.”

“My mental condition as well?”

So she didn’t only care about my body, but also my mind.

…I’m sure she’s just saying that for show. I’m not naïve enough to believe what she said to Raymond.

“Um, well that’s very kind of her.”

Raymond’s expression changed subtly when I said this.

‘Would it have been better if I said I was grateful?’

Somehow, the mood shifted, so I watched Raymond’s reaction.

“Raymond, perhaps there’s something more you want to say?”

“Madam Camilla said… that the Duchess seems to be a little different from before.”

“…How so?”

I could feel my stomach dropping to the ground. But I asked anyway, trying to keep an air of nonchalance.

“Your Grace has been in worse shape for a while, but since then… it seemed like you’ve become… a different person.”

I shifted on my seat, desperately keeping a hold of my pounding chest.

“What do you mean by a different person? It sounds like a funny story.”

“Has anything happened to Your Grace recently? Perhaps there was something that traumatized you, or…”

‘Yep. A lot, even.’

I gulped, swallowing the words I said in my mind.

“No, not really.”

“The Madam even said that I could recommend a good place where Your Grace can go so that you could heal your mind.”

“A good… place?”

I instantly straightened my posture.

“What do you mean by that? What are you talking about?”

A good place. For healing. Maybe Camilla thought I’ve gone crazy…

“No way. Is it a mental institute?”

“Oh, no no. It wouldn’t be a place that Your Grace would hate. Because it’s a place where only aristocrats are admitted, so the facilities and the medical staff are topnotch.”

“But I’m not crazy?!”

I screamed unconsciously because of the indignation I was feeling, and I saw Raymond flinch at my sudden outburst.

I’ve seen this very scene in some ‘freaking insane’ soap opera.

It was a story where a normal person was manipulated into becoming a crazy person and was locked up in a mental institute because the perpetrators wanted to seize that person’s property.

I think there was also a story about holding a daughter-in-law in custody.

Ah, I’m getting goosebumps.

No matter how crazy I seemed on the outside, Camilla really went as far as wanting to send me to a place like that?

I could hear the alarm bells ringing in my ears.

“D-Did Mother really, really say that she wanted to send me there?”

I can’t believe this. It was worse than I imagined.

I confirmed with Raymond again.

“It really would be better to get professional help, Your Grace.”

Raymond sounded quite serious as well. It sounded like he was truly giving me medical advice.

“Psychology is not my specialty, but it’s important for Your Grace to be diagnosed so that nothing bad would happen.”

“Like what?”

“Well, one of the patients I know of has been seeing endless illusions. He would say that his family was plotting to kill him, and that they often went after him carrying knives.”

It was chilling just thinking about it. But that wasn’t what I was asking about.

“I’m not insane, Raymond.”

“Of course, Your Grace is alright now, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

He spoke with a bright expression, but I could hardly reciprocate his smile.

‘Is there really nothing to worry about?’

To me, it sounded like they were ready to ship me off as soon as I showed any sign of what they’d classify as the actions of a crazy person.

“W-Wait a minute, Raymond. That place, isn’t it really dangerous there? It won’t do any good to force someone to go to a place like that.”

“Everyone is susceptible to mental burdens, Your Grace. That’s why any time… anyone can lose their senses all of a sudden.”

With that, Raymond was looking at me sharply. It really seemed like he was talking about the patients, not just me.

“It’s a good place for patients to get treated,” he said with a solemn expression on his face.

“Ah… I’m sorry.”

Yes, there would be real patients there who truly needed treatment. I might not be one of them, but it’s true that there are people who need help.

I tried to keep myself calm, but I still had chills running down my spine.

“You don’t have to apologize, Your Grace. Any average person would be reluctant.”

“…Yes.”

Raymond smiled and stood up. He put on his hat and bowed politely to me before going out the door.

Click.

The sound of the door closing was louder than usual.

“Goodness.”

As soon as Raymond left, I sank to my seat and sighed deeply.

My trembling legs revealed the anxiety I was feeling. It was a good thing that my dress hid them from Raymond’s view.

Come to think of it, Camilla being quiet for two long weeks seemed to have been a fatal hit on me.

‘I have to stay alert.’

Camilla would definitely send me there the very next chance she gets.

Ah, this is really difficult.

I felt this way, but really, I was just too tired.

Not only do I have to look out for my neck, but I also have to worry about being locked up in a mental hospital!

Isn’t it too much that the two paths I have are either the crazy route or the death ending?!

I wanted to cry. I really, really wanted to cry. But I needed to stay calm. I couldn’t allow myself to become a crazy woman just as Camilla wanted.

“Get your act together, Selena.”

Now, I really needed to pull myself together and do what I had to do.

I had sunk so deeply on the sofa, as if I’d already melded with the cushions, but I stood up suddenly.

“I can’t let this go.”

If there was something I didn’t know, all I had to do was find it out myself.